The pages that follow are conceptual tools which can be used to shatter the shackles which keep “Happiness” hostage.
Tool #1 : THE FAMILY MEETING
A RECIPE FOR IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITHIN THE FAMILY
General principle
Conflicts within family members often develop as a consequence of minor miscommunication or disagreements. Often one person in the family is angry at another because one assumes the other family member “ought to” know what one’s grievances are, (simply because they live under the same roof) and has failed to do something about it.
Let’s assume each of these minor conflicts is like laying down a brick. If we allow them to piled up between us, very soon we will have walls between each other through which communication becomes impossible.
To be able to listen well, or to talk about one’s own emotions and aspirations,
is not a natural skill.
The“FAMILY MEETING “is a mean to develop these communication skills, to demolish the “wall of miscommunication” which might have built up between family members.
Initially, following the “FAMILY MEETING” format will seem contrived, unnatural, and even awkward, not unlike following individual instructions as one learns to ride a bike or drive a car. However, with practice, the skill will be performed automatically and the tasks will become second nature without any strenuous conscious input from the individual.
When the technique of the “FAMILY MEETING” has been mastered, and there is free and open communication between family members, the “wall of miscommunication” will not have a chance to develop, thus allowing family member to see, hear, and communicate with each other, and to enjoy each other’s company.
Frequency
This is to be decided between family members. Generally, to begin with, I recommend weekly for the first 4 weeks.
Location
The“FAMILY MEETING” must take place outside the family home, in a comfortable but quiet location. A picnic in a park, a quiet corner of a beach or eatery, will be ideal. Mobile phones must be turned off. This is important to totally eliminate disruptions (e.g. from phone calls, friends dropping in, TV shows, animal fighting etc)
Rules
Only one person may speak at a time. Each member takes turn. All others must listen, and there must be absolutely no interruption.
Everyone must have a pen and note book. If one wishes to say something in response to something one hears, one must jot it down and say it later when it is one’s turn. Similarly, one must take note during the week to journal the things one wants to say at the family meeting.
Like a privileged information between a client and his/her doctor, no retribution is allowed based on information that is disclosed at a family meeting.
The lesson to learn here is that one cannot listen while one is talking. Communication is 80 % listening and 20% talking. On one hand,
if you talk while others are talking, then you don’t hear what others are saying. On the other hand if you don’t talk, others can’t hear you and can’t possibly know what you are thinking. This is how miscommunication happens. Learning when you need to talk, and when you need to listen, is what communication is all about. It sounds simple but few understand it and even fewer can do it well.
The sequence
The meeting usually starts with the father, then the mother, then the oldest sibling, etc…
In the first round, each person takes turn to talk (others listen, without interruption) about what has happened (in the immediate neighborhood, in the state, in the country, and in the world) that make him/her happy and amused, since the last meeting. E.g. “I’m happy to see the electricity prices are coming down, they found the murderer of the young school boy in Brisbane, they freed a beached whale in Florida, and I enjoyed watching the old man telling jokes on “Australia Got Talent”…etc. This simple exercise actually enables those listening to understand you better: i.e. what makes you happy and what you care about. You may assume they “should” already know what tickles your fancy, but you may also find that sometimes they are genuinely surprised by what you say, and they learn something about you that have been intentionally or unintentionally hidden from them.
In the second round, again each in turn talks about things that have happened, since the last meeting that upset him/her,things that make him/her feel sad. For example, you feel unhappy about the organizer failing to cancel an open air concert even thought there was heavy rain, another high school shooting, failing to get the job promotion you wanted, your teacher/client failed to appreciate the beautiful artwork you have created..etc
This let others know what sort of things upset you & make you unhappy. Some people couldn’t care less or don’t even know if the Berlin Wall has come down, others are upset by fungus growing on their gold fish. You may be surprised to hear what other family members say and they may be equally surprise to hear what you have to say. Such exchanges allow you to know each other better.
In the third round, each talks in turn about something that happened to each other family member or something each other family member has done, that makes one happy. For example, “ I am glad older daughter cooked dinner on Thursday after I had a tiring day, I’m proud youngest son did not complain even though I had not organised a lavish birthday party for him. “
Often family members do things that are praiseworthy, especially the spouse, but we fail to give them credit for what they have done. This can be disappointing and disheartening for the person. Learning to give credit where credit is due, to show appreciation for what other family members (especially spouse) have done, explicitly, and publicly, is the key to maintaining harmony in the family.
In the fourth round, each member tells of disappointment he/she feels about things that have happened to each other family member, or what the other members have done or have failed to do.
For example, “ last Thursday, both parents had a hard day and finished late, oldest daughter is on holiday and was listening to music all afternoon. It would have been appreciated if she could have heat up some meat pies or at least taken some food out of the freezer to defrost. I went into great trouble to organise magicians and air castles for the younger son’s birthday party but I did not hear a single word of gratitude, I feel disappointed” etc Remember, you must describe YOUR FEELINGS about the incidence, NOT what the offender “SHOULD HAVE DONE” . The listeners are not allowed to retort at this point. If they have something they want to say, they must jot it down and say it when it is his/her turn in the next round.
It is actually better to get your grievances off your chest in a controlled manner rather than to hold a grudge. Even worse, often the subject of your grudge may not even know that you are sore about him/her. He/she might have done something unintentionally, or there might have been a legitimate explanation for what he/she has done, for which he/she might have been willing to apologize , but he/she actually did not know that he/she has offended you. Allowing one-sided grudge to build up is the quickest way to build the “wall” of miscommunication. So if you are not happy, tell them, in a calm, controlled manner. Give them a fair chance to explain/defend themselves or to apologize. Don’t allow this “wall” of miscommunication to grow!
In the fifth round, again, each member speaks, in turn, from notes he/she has just made, in response to things that each other member has said in round one to four. This is the chance to comment, to explain oneself or to apologize if needs be. For example ”gee mum, I didn’t know you care about whales in Florida” or ”Johnny taunted me during the birthday party and said I was a rich spoiled kid, that’s why I was unhappy” or “ I’m sorry but you have always cooked dinner every other night, I didn’t know I was supposed to do anything, you’ve never told me”.
This round allows a lot of misunderstandings to be clarified before they become secretly held grudges. They also allow belated praise and acknowledgement to be awarded to good deeds. This round is the time to remove those few “bricks” of misunderstanding which has been piling up between you and the other family members.
In the sixth round, each member speaks in turn but other members may respond instantly. In this round, each tries to establish“mini-contracts” that are mutually acceptable to each other. For example “oldest daughter is old enough to be able to help out in some home duties. Thursdays nights are always late for mum and dad, how about you at least cut up the vegetable and have the meat defrosted when you come home from school?” or “how about before you organise a birthday party for me next time, first ask me what I really want to do and who to invite?” etc
Once these “mini-contracts” are established, they should be honored and reviewed, using exactly the same format, at the next family meeting.
If nothing has happened that makes one feel happy or sad, one simply say so and is not obliged to say anything. Indeed this will happen in the first few meetings. However, it is hoped that as you have had a few meetings, you would become more aware of things that have happened that are worth talking about, and begin to take note, and bring them to the meeting.
Like it or not, events directly or indirectly affect our mood and emotional well being. One can’t help but be influenced by them. Their effects manifest externally as one’s mood, and affect how one interacts with others. So, when one member of the family feels sad and grumpy, there might be a good and legitimate explanation. However, if the person doesn’t tell, the others might not know.
All they can feel are the fireballs bearing down on them when they thought they have done nothing wrong. Often the grumpy person him/herself doesn’t know or was not aware of what had caused his/her bad mood. Through these exercises of leaning to observe, and to speak freely of how you feel, you allow others to understand you, to know what has made you happy or sad so that they can appropriately encourage; congratulate; console; warn; or even avoid, you.
The ultimate goal is, once every one has grasped the concept of family meeting, one begins to speak freely of one’s own feelings and emotions and to listen effectively to other family members. When every family member understands that one is free to say anything in front of family members and will be listened to without ridicule or judgement, then the whole family will function as a happy unit.
Like learning to ride a bike, it is awkward and cumbersome in the beginning. However, once you have mastered the technique, the skill will come naturally to you. You can then relax and enjoy the scenery. Once you have mastered the rules of communication, you too can relax and enjoy the warmth and closeness that is unique to your family.
May the “FAMILY MEETING” bring happiness and harmony to your family.
Dr Doug Lee
23/01/1993
P.S. Think of the “Family Meeting” method next time you hear the “Pina Colada Song” (“Escape” by Rupert Holmes.)
Tool #2. Ditch the grudge!
Holding a grudge against someone is like carrying a bucket of excrement with you everywhere you go, waiting for the right time and right place to exact your revenge. In reality, you are the one who suffers and stinks. If you are trawling many buckets of excrement behind you, then it’s little wonder that your “Happiness Balloon” cannot rise. Ditch them all, and you will be the first one to feel the benefit!
You can be bitter, or you can be better. It is entirely your choice!
Tool #3 The “5 Year Rule” or the “Time Traveler” method
This is a tool for dealing with anger and short term stress
If you are faced with a confronting situation, like someone makes a pass at your partner at the bar, or someone scoots into the parking spot into which you are about to park, and you are feeling the rage, or you have to give a speech at your friend’s wedding this weekend, just think what impact it would have had on your life if you could time travel and look back at this incidence 5 years from now. If you just leave and go drink at another bar or park a bit further away, 5 years from now, you could be sitting on a beach drinking cold beer with your partner or skiing down a slope of a resort and you’d probably have no recollection about this incidence. As for the wedding speech, 5 years from now, how many more weddings would you have attended and how many wedding speeches can you recall? Why be anxious about something which no one will care or remember in 5 year’s time? However, if you let rage got the better of you and break someone’s jaw ( or someone breaks your jaw,) in 5 years from now, you may be sitting in a prison cell or still feeling the pain while you chew on a steak.
Just turn and walk away from minor confrontations can save you from a lot of angst and unhappiness.
